Presence

My Dad’s absence, since he died, has left room for another kind of presence. When I lived in his home for a month with my Mom his presence was happy, laughing, complete, without suffering and living his joy. His absence is not an absence but a new presence that feels good.

Meeting my Dad’s new presence has broadened my own field- the ground where I stand.

For the first time, I recognize home in this place that I chose to leave such a long time ago. Perhaps because, through death my Dad broadened his reach. I feel him everywhere- here, in Taos, on top of Kachina Peak, in my dog who he loved at the end of his life, in my own heart-which his new presence helps to expand and grow.

This place, where my dad lived his life, Chicago’s North Shore, this place- the particular textures, weather, stores, homes, villages, trees, lake, sounds and smells are part of my ground force. Part of my life. Integral to my being and necessary to allow in.

I feel on the brink of something brand new.

I am leaving the person I have been- I have set down aspects of myself.

My Dad’s new presence gave me courage to allow very precious- the very most precious relationships with my kids to rest. Just for awhile, so they may grow and I may grow into who we are now.

My husband is also changing and I understand that I will be with him in the last phase of his life.

I started as one in a family of six. I left my family, met Andy, and became two. We had two more and then another. Now we are back to two and one day- someday- I will be back to one.

When I am one again I will need all the parts of my life in order to thrive.

I need to look beyond what I found to be abhorrent, difficult, what I hated and see that I am able to give all those things a new presence in my life- one that doesn’t hurt me. One that is full of joy.

In any absence a new presence can be created.

The seismic shifts I feel in my inner being are making room for what I’ve left and for who have left me, allowing me to move towards wholeness.

My Dad feels no pain. His suffering is over. Perhaps as I learn to know him in this way I will discover how to set down my own pain before I die.